please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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