i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I need a beard to bite.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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