i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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