Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
