I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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