just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
