I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Is it penis luge time yet?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Randomize
