They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
