Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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