This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
