I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Randomize
