If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Randomize
