apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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