I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You're like the curious george of whores
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
