so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
