Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
