also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
