i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
