The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
