Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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