I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
