i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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