direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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