I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
