he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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