I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
