Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Randomize
