my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize