i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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