i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
