so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Randomize
