I only kidnapped one of them. chill
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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