A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I want to be your penis for a week.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
