Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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