I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I am naked and annoyed.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
