I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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