"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
