thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
