I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
