fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
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