You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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