I just pynch a tree in the face
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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