her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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