Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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