fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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