You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
