I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
