Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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