I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
How naked do you want me to be?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
