I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
