It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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