If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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