Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
