Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize