Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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