Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
