Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
