i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Randomize
