listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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